November Has Come
Ah, fluff... Here we go again.
2024 has treated me like a piece of crap. It's really rattling my cage, shaking constantly like a child trying to kill his hamster without him even knowing.
A grand total of one grandma (1) has died! Earlier this year, my paternal grandmother died, which may very well be the least eventful thing of the entire year (yeah, that's how fluffed up this is). She gave her share of her old house to my father, and so he owns fifty or sixty percent of the thing, which is cool, but we have pretty much no money to buy the rest off from his siblings. Still, as the one with the highest share of the place, he's pretty much the owner of the apartment downtown, which means not only that his siblings have been very critical as to what he's doing with the place (spoiler alert: nothing much other than housework), but also he's been the only one (along with me and mom) doing anything to make the house functional. At least I get to have some time away from the PC screen, or at least that's what my father thinks when he takes all of us to the apartment to do the chores.
Every day I'm one step closer to finishing my communications degree (which may as well be far into the future seeing how apparently crappy my thesis is). Firstly, college is killing my will to live and somewhat reviving my will to socialize. I have actual friends now that I'm in! (Since like... third semester or so) But I still find it difficult to socialize, or even do the things I'm supposed to do. It doesn't help that, academically, a lot of my classmates are pretty irresponsible with time. They hate when I say anything or rush us towards finishing a project. I'm fluffing sorry! If I don't say anything you'll wait until the deadline to even START working!!! And don't get me started with the thesis! I've got a barely passable grade, a 6/10 (something like a D- for y'all US Americans out there), because I wasn't quoting AI when I used it. The problem? I didn't source any information from it AT ALL! Most I did was using it to rewrite parts, make stylistic corrections, find synnonyms, and (worst of all) CHECK FOR AI-USAGE POSITIVES. My teacher doesn't discourage us using these new tools, but we need to use them properly. Pray tell, then, how am I supposed to quote something when I didn't source anything from it? I'm fighting my grade tomorrow.
I'm also having huge economic difficulties, as in, I can barely afford basic services. I have no job, as I'm a student. My father has been out of action for the past five years because his employers are assholes (a certain automobile company with great presence in my city) who didn't want to let go of pennies when everyone needed money the most (crappy arse pandemic) and so we're pretty much poor. ONE LAST JOB, they said, my father responding to the sound of money with glee and hope to feed us through some more months... and then it turned out he had to update his personal info somewhere else. THREE MONTHS will have passed before we even see a SINGLE CENT of what they owe him. Worst part? I can't shake the feeling that they're doing it just so they can avoid paying him at all. Mom is making cookies in the meantime, and selling them amongst my family and other people we know; still, homemade cookies don't pay the bills. I only have so much money left in the bank, I can't pay to have my music registered AND my next semester in college; obviously, college will come first.
It's the third of the month. You know november has come when it's gone away. And all I can think about now is how impotent I feel, how much I want to go out into the woods and maybe feel like a feral animal because the emotions inside me make me feel like one. I feel afraid, angry, anxious, violent. I know better than to act upon these feelings but at this point I just feel like I wanna bite someone.